It isn't until she's spoken that Gleb realizes how his own words might have come across. He frowns slightly for it, unsure how to explain that that's not how he sees her at all, and certainly not why he was unable to kill her. Had some other woman been Anastasia, the lost grand duchess, it wouldn't have mattered, and he wouldn't have needed to think twice. For the good of the country, for the fight that's been his since he was old enough to take it on for himself, he would have followed his orders with a clear conscience. That much, of course, it's better to left unsaid, implied but not stated outright. To do otherwise would be cruel, and this subject, now that they've — or, rather, he's — broached it, is a fraught enough one as it is.
His beliefs haven't changed, though, just for love of her. He almost wishes it were that simple, knowing he would be far less conflicted, but he doesn't think such a thing is truly possible, and it certainly isn't the case now. For someone else — for many, perhaps, the reason her existence would have been so dangerous in the first place — she might well have been exactly that. To him, she's not her family's name or her title or what she would have represented. She never has been. That is, instead, simply something he's had to learn how to grapple with when it comes to his feelings for her.
"You're not a cause," he tells her, shaking his head gently. "Not to me. I..." Again, he doesn't quite know how to say what he wants to, but having been the one to bring this up, he might as well see it through. "I betrayed the cause I fought for," he says, the words coming slower now, each careful, deliberate. "And I don't regret doing it. I can't claim that cause as my own anymore. That's what I meant."
Glancing down at her hand on his arm, wishing he could take it, lace his fingers through hers or brush a kiss against her knuckles, he lets his expression grow a little bittersweet. "It isn't because of what you are that I couldn't do what I was sent to," he adds. "You're more than that." She is to him, anyway, and a part of him hopes she can hear those unspoken words. Before she was ever Anastasia, in truth or pretend, she was the street sweeper who was startled by a backfiring truck, whom he couldn't help but look for in the time that passed after that brief encounter. Everything else has built from there. He thinks she'll always be Anya to him, though. She's the woman he first fell for, and that's not so easily undone.
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His beliefs haven't changed, though, just for love of her. He almost wishes it were that simple, knowing he would be far less conflicted, but he doesn't think such a thing is truly possible, and it certainly isn't the case now. For someone else — for many, perhaps, the reason her existence would have been so dangerous in the first place — she might well have been exactly that. To him, she's not her family's name or her title or what she would have represented. She never has been. That is, instead, simply something he's had to learn how to grapple with when it comes to his feelings for her.
"You're not a cause," he tells her, shaking his head gently. "Not to me. I..." Again, he doesn't quite know how to say what he wants to, but having been the one to bring this up, he might as well see it through. "I betrayed the cause I fought for," he says, the words coming slower now, each careful, deliberate. "And I don't regret doing it. I can't claim that cause as my own anymore. That's what I meant."
Glancing down at her hand on his arm, wishing he could take it, lace his fingers through hers or brush a kiss against her knuckles, he lets his expression grow a little bittersweet. "It isn't because of what you are that I couldn't do what I was sent to," he adds. "You're more than that." She is to him, anyway, and a part of him hopes she can hear those unspoken words. Before she was ever Anastasia, in truth or pretend, she was the street sweeper who was startled by a backfiring truck, whom he couldn't help but look for in the time that passed after that brief encounter. Everything else has built from there. He thinks she'll always be Anya to him, though. She's the woman he first fell for, and that's not so easily undone.